My break wasn’t really a break. I was still keeping myself abreast with all the new techniques. It was so frustrating. I wanted to dance so bad but I wasn’t sure I could. The pain and shame I felt from not being ‘good enough’ was weighing on me. The reason I started dancing is because it was an outlet for me. I wasn’t really good with expressing feelings or conveying emotions. If I wanted to cry, I couldn’t, if I wanted to get mad at someone, I wasn’t able to. At that point, writing was all I had. But there were moments when my fingers couldn’t sit still and I wasn’t able to write. My eyes would be red, my hands shaky but still, I wouldn’t be able to let any emotions out.
I have tried to explain this to people. I’ve tried to tell them how dance helps me when I can’t speak but I just end up getting laughed at. After expressing how I wasn’t a good speaker, one of them said to me, a mocking smile on his face, “dance it out, maybe I’ll understand”. And then he laughed. No one really understood how much dance helped me to release negative emotions. Even on days that I don’t feel like dancing, somehow, I still find myself, in some way, letting my body move.
I tried writing to get my emotions in check. A futile effort, I later discovered. Writing only helped me identify these emotions, it never dealt with them. I needed to dance. I needed to release these emotions. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t shouting and screaming. I was just numb.
One day, I just got up and started dancing again. I guess my emotions were so much that I really needed to get them out of my system. I still have episodes of this period in my life but it’s under control…