If you read my last post, you’d know that I have been dealing with something for a while. And now it’s telling on me. At the beginning of the year, I had been toying with the idea of unlearning and relearning. Unlearning the things I naturally picked up while dancing which were the wrong things and relearning the right things the right way.
I wasn’t sure that I would be able to go through with it because a part of me was ashamed of this. I still wished I started earlier than I did. I still secretly envied the little kids who were insanely talented dancers and wished I was as lucky as they were. I would kill myself everyday, watching these little kids blow my mind. They’re just kids! How is this even possible? They would effortlessly execute a move. I would be panting, breathlessly taken aback as to why and how I wasn’t able to do the exact same thing. That needed to change. I was going to do something about it.
So after wallowing in self pity, as is my usual custom, I made the decision in January of 2020 to start training myself from scratch. I mean, I was already training myself, so why not just start again, right? I was well aware of the things I needed to unlearn and relearn, I knew where to start from, I knew the things I needed to change and the things I needed to work on. I just needed a push and the fact that my body started to regress slowly, was just the push I needed.
I didn’t officially start training from scratch because somehow I was still running away from the fact that this is my burden. I wanted to live in a world where everything was perfect and I didn’t have to kill myself worrying about this. The reality was that, it was going to take a whole lot of work to actually unlearn. The idea of retraining my muscles to go against what they’ve known my whole life was crippling. I would make excuses and skip studio sessions (not intentionally though). But when things came up, I was glad and I didn’t try to make time to go to the studio and train. I was a mess. I knew I was wasting time but I chose to ignore it. I made excuses like, “I will start small so that I don’t get injured”, which I actually did. I started training at home and it was hard, but comfortable. I saw some changes, but I knew that it wasn’t going to be enough.
So this is me. Officially starting all over again. From scratch. A contemporary dancer working out the basics. I’m back to the beginner level. It took a whole lot to admit but I know that, in the long run, it’s gonna pay off. Hopefully…