I woke up this morning feeling shitty. A very familiar feeling; my head was banging and my body was aching. I wasn’t myself. I had trained so hard this week that my body felt it. The first five minutes after I opened my eyes, I couldn’t get up from my bed. Why did I choose such an ‘almost’ impossible path? The week before this, I stretched so much that I was so sure my middle splits were in the bag but when I woke up the next morning, I was so stiff, I thought I’d break. I was achy all over. Even though, this pain is something we dancers cherish, sometimes it’s not the best feeling the world. You’d wonder where you went wrong and why your body isn’t conforming. Gah! I wish I was six years old! This is so frustrating!
I thought the best thing to do with myself was to accept the fact that I wasn’t not a six year old with a body that can be maneuvered but when i did, I stopped pushing myself and stretching beyond my limits; I was miserable. Now, I don’t think of myself as a six year old, obviously, but I push myself more than I normally would, which got me to today. Stuck in bed. In pain. Still stiff.
I picked up my phone, went on Youtube and started watching videos, dance videos. And instead of the rush of inspiration I usually get, I was disgusted with myself. Disgusted with the fact that I was struggling with things that a six year old could easily do. This feeling of insecurity wasn’t new to me. The feeling that I probably will never meet up, that I will remain stiff forever; the feeling of defeat long before I start. I knew this feeling all too well. It was the first feeling that came over me as I woke up.
“Nope, not today”, I whispered.
I dropped my phone and forced myself outta bed. Warmed up my muscles and started stretching. I wasn’t going to let my thoughts ruin another day for me.